First of all. let’s start with a basic rule: No one person is the same as another. Especially when the couple consists of a woman and a man, we definitely have gender differences e.g. the woman wants to communicate more than the man. We must add here that, starting a relationship, each person carries his own needs, expectations, principles, experiences and beliefs.
So, two people who differ from each other, sometimes less and sometimes more, form a relationship and seek to live together.
In the first period, usually the couple is in love. It is the phase in which both very willingly overlook the differences that exist between them.
1st phase
The couple is on a date. The possible differences they have to manage are: where they go out for fun, how often they meet, who takes the initiative of the meeting. Often, differences in this phase exist, but love makes them negligible.
2nd phase
Cohabitation. Potential differences increase: how each wants to define or take care of their space, how household responsibilities are shared, etc. Not only do differences increase, but if the passion period has passed, then the willingness to overlook individual differences decreases.
3rd phase
Formalization or marriage. Possible differences: how they will manage the extended family, how often they will see them, etc. So even more differences.
4th phase
The birth of children: how the children will grow up, how much time they will spend with them, what principles will be given to them, etc.
5th phase
Retirement. Children grow up and move away. Possible differences: how they will reshape their lifestyle, what occupations they will have, how they will manage their health, etc.
Therefore, in the course of life the diversity of the 2 individuals evolves. The needs that the couple is asked to meet are many: personal, of the children, of the extended family, etc. If in the first phases the couple cannot manage some differences, then they will carry them in the next ones as well. Differences are inevitable.
But when a couple has not learned ways to manage differentiation and even benefit from it, then the relationship is characterized by tensions, dissatisfaction and disappointment. Through therapy, the couple can be trained in ways to manage differences and be able to discover ways in which differences cease to threaten the relationship and instead, in many cases, become a resource for it.
